A discussion on Conflicts within Relationships
What creates stresses and strains within relationships?
Perceived Relational Value
How we perceive others’ feelings about our relationship with them creates a human need to obtain value from those we interact with. When we feel our relational worth fails to meet our desired needs, it can create a level of emotional vulnerability. People tend to feel emotional distress most when they feel others place lower importance on their connections with us. With there being a gap between our desired value of others and their actual value. This highlights the connection between our self-worth and relationship assessments.
Hurt feelings
The feelings that we experience can be linked to how we feel others evaluate us as a person. This can be seen through the idea maximal exclusion (the idea in which others are open about not wanting us there) doesn't hurt too much more than ambivalence (the idea that people don't care whether we are around). Once we recognize that others reject us, we exhibit intense sensitivity to acceptance. Our self-esteem can be affected and will rise as others show more ambivalence ( a want for us to be around). These feelings of rejection and general hurt feelings share deep neurological similarities with physical pain. Therefore showing distrain and resentment to our partner through exclusion and rejection, can cause strains on the relationship and impact overall well-being.
Interpersonal appraisals and state self-esteem
Ostracism
General ostracism or the deliberate use of the silent treatment, creates relational strain by forcing social isolation. This can be a stressor on relationships as it creates confusion as individuals struggle to understand why they're being excluded. Within relationships, this can cause a variety of responses from the receiver such as compliance to regaining social acceptance. When the person feels it is unjust they may act with defensiveness. This can have immense effects on relationships as it can people with higher self-esteem to start to demonstrate less tolerance, helping to terminate relationships and therefore are more likely to seek new connections rather than continuous rejection.
Jealousy
Jealousy comes as a complex emotional response within relationships. This feeling is a mix of emotions such as anger, fear and hurt. When individuals perceive a threat to a connection they value, this emotion will appear in either of two forms: reactive jealousy, which is when there is a genuine threat to the relationship's well-being, and then suspicious jealousy, which is the idea which emerges despite their actual misconduct. An individual's traits can vary the levels of jealousy, such as what personality traits or attachment styles a person has. However, this is gender differences in jealousy triggers, where men typically feel more strongly towards sexual infidelity, Whereas women feel more jealousy triggers concerning emotional infidelity. When it comes to attachment styles securely attached individuals are able to typically communicate issues and work towards a clear understanding. While those with avoidance or fearful styles may avoid the issue entirely. So therefore understanding your partner's needs and styles is important to maintaining a healthy relationship, as therefore you are able to provide clear reassurance and support.
Understanding of nonphysical male sexual coercion. Aggression and Violent Behavior
Deception and lying
Deception in relationships is the idea of intentionally creating false narratives and lying being a contradiction of the truth. Deception can be argued to be both self-serving and benevolent to protect the partner's feelings. With statistically partners lie less the more intimate the relationship is. However the more intimate the relationship the more serious the deception is. This creates intense complications within relationships if a partner is caught out for their lies it can damage the relationship as the partnership runs off the idea of a truth bias, assuming honesty from loved ones, this can make us further question, our partner.
Betrayal
This is the idea of a buildup of hurtful actions committed by trusted individuals, in which we didn't expect. This can involve any actions that defeat loyalty, respect and trust. These actions themself can signal the value of the partner to the other which explains why it is so painful when being betrayed. This usually occurs in close relationships partly due to struggles to meet competing demands and comparison to other relationships around. Research can found that there is an understanding of the perpetrators underestimating the harm they cause, viewing their actions as inconsequential and the victim's understanding being one of damage. Moreover, it is advised for the victim of the betrayal to seek revenge after a betrayal as it prolongs distress and they exhibit lower life satisfaction. Therefore, it is important to give understanding to your partner and keep lines of communication very open.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the idea of deliberately putting aside any grudge and feelings of resentment towards someone who has harmed you and letting go of any negative emotion. An individual's ability to forgive varies based on personality factors such as attachment style. With those with a secure attachment style can easily agree to forgive more readily than insecure counterparts as they find it hard to have self-control over these negative emotions. Regardless of personality factors do contribute to the accessability of forgiveness. Such as when offenders show genuine remorse and are actively apologising. As well as the offender expressing little defence. Communication can be seen as the main agent within effective forgiveness as it includes a clear expectation of the future and therefore makes it less likely to happen again. Furthermore, it's important to set boundaries when forgiveness is being given. By making sure you are giving it towards progressive partners as otherwise harmful behaviours may continue.
The Nature of Conflict
Conflict and Interpersonal Conflict Conflict is inescapable and happens for different reasons. People will disagree from time to time. Close relationships will eventually experience some strain due to certain tensions that are already present.
Conflicting or incompatible goals that can never be entirely satisfied are called dialectics. There are four main dialectics that impact relationships.
Personal autonomy and connection with others is one type of dialectic. This is about what dynamic is sought out in relationships. Is personal autonomy, or belonging more important to the individual? Is intimacy more important or is freedom? The challenge in relationships often comes from balancing these two needs: the desire for freedom and the desire for intimacy. If one partner feels too restricted or controlled, they may begin to feel a loss of personal freedom, which can lead to resentment.
Another aspect of conflict dialectic is openness vs closedness. How important is privacy? How important is trust? To avoid conflict, it’s important to establish clear, respectful boundaries when it comes to trust and privacy. In order to prevent conflict in relationships, trust and privacy should be balanced. Although privacy protects freedom, trust is the foundation of emotional security and connection.
Stability vs Change, the importance of familiarity and growth between two people. What is more important, reliability or excitement? Both stability and change are essential in their own right, but they often come into conflict, especially when there is a desire for one over the other. The key is learning how to navigate the delicate balance between the two, so that both people feel secure enough to grow together, while also respecting each other’s need for consistency.
Additionally, Integration with separation from social networks plays a role in creating conflict. Is the exclusivity of a relationship suffocating? When one partner feels that the other is spending too much time with friends or family, it can lead to perceptions of neglect or emotional distance. Conversely, if one partner becomes too focused on the romantic relationship at the expense of their social connections, it can lead to feelings of isolation.
Frequency of conflict
Conflict can occur often, some people experience conflict more often than others. Couples who are dating report 2.3 problems each week, whereas spouses have one or two unpleasant arguments per month.
Some of the reasons conflict may occur may be:
Personality: those with higher agreeableness have less conflicts, whereas those with higher negative emotionality have more.
Attachment Style: Compared to insecure people, secure people experience fewer conflicts and handle them better when they do arise.
Stage of Life: research shows younger couples have more conflicts than older couples do.
Similarity: Partners come across more problems when they are less alike.
Stress: The likelihood of dissatisfaction between two people is increased with their level of stress.
Sleep: Partners sleep poorly after a conflict, leaving them grumpy and irritable, and this leads to more conflict.
Intoxication: alcohol or other substances increases conflict because of inflated emotions and inability to self-regulate.
The Course of Conflict
Instigating Events
Higher levels of interdependency create more potential for conflict. People may disagree about anything. Conflict often arises when one partner perceives that the effort in the relationship is not equally shared. Interdependency can feel like a burden if one person feels they are putting more energy into the relationship than the other. Addressing conflicts created by interdependency requires communication, self-awareness, and a willingness to establish healthy boundaries.
Criticism, Illegitimate demands, Rebuffs, Cumulative Annoyances
Events that lead to criticism, Illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances create tension. Criticism that seems unfair creates conflict between people. When someone receives unfair criticism, they may become defensive because they feel the need to defend themselves against what they see to be an attack. Illegitimate demands are unnecessary means to control another person. Rebuffs are a lack of a reaction when conflict arises. It may feel like a rejection of an expressed emotional need. Cumulative annoyances are small irritations that lead to a larger frustration. Cumulative annoyances include social allergies, which are recurring and cause reactions of disgust to the other person.
Attributions
People may argue about whose explanation is correct and whose is incorrect, a situation known as attributional conflict. A person's discomfort and anger levels are greatly influenced by the justifications they use to explain their disappointments. Compared to unhappy couples, happy couples are less prone to believe that their partners are self-centered and acting unfairly and maliciously.
If partners don't recognize that each of them has an individual perspective, miscommunication can happen.
To avoid making unfair or negative attributions, it’s crucial to practice empathy. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and considering external factors or their perspective can help you make more balanced and accurate attributions. Engaging in open and honest communication can help prevent attributional misunderstandings. Instead of assuming why your partner behaves a certain way, ask them directly.
Engagement and escalation
When an instigating event takes place, partners can either deal with the problem or disregard it. Negotiation and logical problem solutions may follow if the issue is raised and confrontation starts.
However if the problem escalates, more conflict may follow in the form of different unpleasant behaviours. Relationships may be openly challenged by direct behaviors such as accusations, hostile orders, threats, and harsh and surly insults. Challenges can also arise in indirect ways such as condensation, dysphoric affect, and evasion.
Helpful tips when de-escalating conflict
The good news is that with the right strategies and mindset, it's possible to de-escalate a conflict and resolve it in a healthier, more productive way. Successful negotiations are more likely if there is attentiveness, listening and understanding the other person’s point of view. Focus on what you can do on your part to help move toward understanding. Remaining optimistic can help with easing tension and creating space for improvement. Consider what an outside perspective would be. Sometimes it’s helpful to remove our own biases and personal connection to a problem when trying to resolve it. Taking breaks can also help ease stress and allows both parties to clearly think.
There are constructive and destructive ways to handle conflict. We can also be passive and do nothing, or we can be active and act.
What may be helpful
Voice: In confrontation, using your voice means politely and clearly communicating your thoughts, feelings, and worries. In addition to ensuring that both partners are aware of each other's needs, frustrations, and expectations, open communication helps avoid misunderstandings. Healthy relationships require mutual understanding, which is created when you actively participate in conversation rather than avoiding or withdrawing.
Loyalty: Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but loyalty provides the emotional foundation to weather difficult times. When things go wrong, loyalty ensures that both partners are committed to working through the issue rather than giving up.
What to Avoid
Neglect: Instead of neglecting to address issues, commit to engaging in open, honest communication. Even if it's difficult, expressing your thoughts and feelings will allow you to resolve problems before they escalate.
Exit: Exiting a conflict often means avoiding addressing the root cause of the disagreement. While it might offer short-term relief from the tension, the unresolved issue remains, potentially becoming even bigger over time.
The chart to the side is from the Harvard business review, it shows the structure of conflict in workplaces. It shows how voice, loyalty, exit, and neglect is displayed when navigating conflict.
When both parties select harmful ways to handle disagreement, relationships are at risk.
It is beneficial to be able to accommodate, maintaining composure when an individual shows temporary disrespect. When people resist the need to fight fire with fire, it is accommodation. The happiest couples are those who can tolerate each other's occasional provocation without reacting negatively.
Different methods of coping when Dealing with Conflict
Volatile- Arguments between volatile people are frequent and intense, but they are often tempered by humor and a clear affection for one another. Volatile individuals may respond impulsively, without fully thinking through the consequences of their actions. Establishing boundaries is crucial when dealing with volatility in conflict.If volatility is a recurring issue in the relationship, seeking the guidance of a therapist or counsellor can be beneficial.
Validators-Validators battle more quietly and courteously, acting more like partners than competitors. Validation shows respect for the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. When you validate someone, you acknowledge their emotional intelligence and individuality.
Avoiders- Avoiders avoid conflict and frequently attempt to resolve issues on their own.Avoiders should work on being open in conversations, especially when arguments get tense.
Understanding why they feel the need to avoid confrontation can help them work through those feelings. Acknowledging this fear allows them to gradually develop more comfort with handling conflicts in healthy ways.
Hostiles-When hostiles fight, they criticize, show disdain, get defensive, and retreat. Hostility tends to escalate rather than resolve the conflict. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, the argument spirals out of control as both individuals become defensive and more emotionally charged.When emotions run high, taking a break from the argument can be helpful. This allows both individuals to cool off and regain perspective. Instead of blaming or accusing the other person, use "I" statements to express your own feelings and needs.
Ending conflict
While conflict ending may not always mean a relationship/connection is saved, there are silver linings to what can be learned from conflict. The five ways conflict can end are:
Separation: One or both people retreating, without resolving the fundamental problems that led to the argument. When a conflict is not addressed, there is no opportunity for closure. Both parties may be left with lingering questions, misunderstandings, and negative emotions, which prevent them from moving forward.
Domination: When one person gets their way more often without good reason. Domination can involve making the other person feel like everything is their fault, often leading to the other partner taking on guilt and responsibility for issues that may not be their fault.
Compromise: Both individuals meet in the middle of their different goals. In relationships, it’s important that both partners feel their needs are being addressed.
Integrative agreements: Use a creative approach to reach both people’s goals. Achieving an integrative agreement requires both parties to collaborate and work together toward a solution.
Structural improvement: Beneficial changes to the relationship that improve its quality. It’s about building stronger foundations for communication, trust, and problem-solving so that conflicts are less likely to escalate and more likely to be resolved in a healthy manner.
Partners are generally less satisfied with their relationships when they have more unspoken problems and complaints.Therefore, the general consensus among conflict researchers is that conflict is a necessary tool for fostering intimacy.Relationships can develop and thrive when conflict is handled well, not when it doesn't occur.
Speaker Listener Technique- The speaker listener technique is when one person is speaking and one person is listening at a time. This allows for both people to share their perspective while giving the other a chance to be understood as well.
Using I statements
Using I statements focuses on how the behaviour affects you, without insulting or misunderstanding the other person. Frame the issues in regards to how their action makes you feel. I statements shift the responsibility of a person’s emotions. This shift encourages personal accountability. End your "I" statement by making a request rather than a demand. This frames the conversation as a collaborative problem-solving process.
This graphic from GoodTherapy.org shows a fill in the blank for I statements someone could use when navigating conflict.
Websites that navigate Conflicts with Expert Help
Friends and families thoughts on conflicts in relationships
Created by
Emily Wilson
Carol Viegas